Moon Dog's Musings

Thursday, June 19, 2003:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 25 hours until HP 5 is in my hands! I can't stand the anticipation!
In other news, I'm back in the SCV. Today I started work at the gym that I was a member of last summer. It's a different kind of gym, one designed for women, and the idea is to make it a comfortable friendly low pressure environment while getting a good work out. It was weird to be on the employee-side of the place. Taking people's measurements is awkward. And I have this annoying little habit of wanting to sing and dance to the loud music. Oh, and here's an amazing thing. I discovered that I'm actually capable of doing the hula-hoop.
Why Santa Clarita is interesting:
WHERE DID ALL THE BUILDINGS COME FROM???? I mean, I was home several times since spring break, but I hadn't really gotten a chance to drive around town. Now there are restaurants and stores and houses that I didn't even know they were planning to build.
My junior high school's yearbook apparently had an ad from the NRA (national RIFLE association) this year. This is the same (public) school that makes you wear a uniform because if you have your own clothing you might be able to conceal weapons. It actually made the national news.
My grocery store had little stuffed teddy bears for graduates. The sign said "BEAR ASS". (I hope it stood for assortment...)
Anyways, that's the highlights of the past week. That and I decided to completely revamp the last five chapters of my novel and my main character's back story. Writer's block is really a beautiful thing.
JKR better not get writers block. I do NOT want to wait another three years for book 6.
moon // 11:30 PM

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Wednesday, June 11, 2003:

And so the 2002-2003 school year ends.
I don't think it is possible for me to have a more demanding, emotional, confusing, exciting, and exhilarating year than this one. Of course, I was thinking the same thing last year at this time. So who knows what that means for next year.
It is now time for personal reflection, as I ponder how much I've grown academically, spiritually, socially, emotionally, and maturationally (is that a word?).

Physically: Well, actually, I didn't grow physically, quite the opposite, but you know what I mean. Let me make note, though, that this change was probably the springboard for the others. It's given me self-confidence…and also now I really love shopping!

Academically: Fall quarter was hell for me academically. Just now, after two quarters of easy class loads, am I beginning to recover. Let's hope that this year taught me that I CAN survive difficult material, and also that dropping a class isn't the end of the world. Although I hope not to do it again. I DO want to graduate on time.)

Spiritually: My faith has been tested a lot this past year. But I know that tests in the end will only make me stronger.

Socially: Uh, hello. I joined a sorority. But it's not only that. It's the fact that I've lost some (not all) of my shyness. It's the fact that I've finally found someplace…several places…to belong here in LA. I hope that next year I learn to juggle my new found social life around academics and old friends.

Emotionally: I have learned that sadness does not automatically mean depression. However, I have learned that is it important that I be aware of my emotions and how they might affect my decisions. I need to be careful not to be overdramatic about things.

Finally, because of all these things and more, I have become more mature. I FINALLY got my driver's license and my own car (even though my parents paid for it…I'm spoiled, what can I say). I searched for and found an apartment. I have secured a job for the summer. All of this all by my grown-up self. I'm also not so afraid of going places by myself.
I learned that beauty really truly is on the inside, and that I know how to be beautiful now, and I will be beautiful for the rest of my life, no matter what I look like in the mirror.
And most importantly, out of all the things I have learned this year, I have learned that it's OK to change. It's OK to grow up. It's OK to try new things. As long as in the end you are true to your heart, and you never forget where you came from.
OK, I'm crying now. I think I'm going to end this on a happy note. I'm glad to be done with my finals (all of which I think I did very well on). I'm glad to be moving out of the dorms (no more dining hall food!). I'm glad that I get to spend the summer with my car and my cat (and the rest of my family). And I'm glad that I can now count the number of days till the next Harry Potter book on my hands.
Hmm…maybe I haven't really changed at all…
Signing off from Canyon Point A5405A, The Hill, UCLA.

moon // 11:23 PM

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Saturday, June 07, 2003:

Apparently my version of netscape sucks, because blogger upgraded and now I have to use a psuedo-posting page.

Anyways, took my accounting final this morning (yes. final on saturday at eight. my weekend doesn't start till monday.). Prognosis: looking good. If I really wanted to, I could trek to Anderson tonight and check my grade (since my prof hasn't figured out how to post things online). But I think I'll just wait till Tuesday when I'm in the neighborhood.
I keep thinking that I should be studying right now, and maybe, technically, I should, since I do have another final tomorrow. However, I'm really exhausted, and I can't concentrate, and I do plan to spend tomorrow studying. My sleeping clock has totally been messed up this week. And if I went to bed now, that would only mess me up for tomorrow.
I really can't wait for this year to end, but the five days till it does are going to last forever. Until then, expect me to act irritable. Seriously everything has been getting on my nerves lately. Hopefully I will be cured by a break.
moon // 9:06 PM

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Thursday, June 05, 2003:

This is my "let's procrastinate" post. If you don't know already (because I've been complaining about it all quarter), I have two finals this weekend. One on Saturday morning, one on Sunday afternoon, and of course they have to be for my two harder class. And then I have a paper and a final for my other class on Wednesday. I've hardly started on the paper (done some research and collection of data and outlined but haven't officially started writing a rough draft). I studied accounting tonight for about a half an hour while working out, and for about an hour before that in my room. Now I'm in the computer lab, knowing that I should pick up my PIC book or read through the accounting stuff again, but I don't want to. I know I'm going to be up late tonight, and I could afford a break except that in about an hour I'm going to my friend's apartment to watch the Chipmunk Adventure (for some reason, i'm extremely excited about this).
I lost my scientific calculator today. Actually, I didn't lose it, because I know exactly where it is; however, I doubt I'll ever see it again. I think I left it in my accounting classroom today. It's kind of sad, because that calculator has stuck with me through thick and thin...I've had it since Algebra 2 (sophomore year of hs). Aliens invaded it that year but I haven't seen the aliens since they moved to Katie's calculator (Katie from hs not Katie from college). I need to buy a new calculator before saturday because i'll need it for my final.
I'm going to allow myself to procrastinate for ten more minutes and then I'm going to go next door to the study lounge. Really. I am. And I'll read my PIC book and maybe do a practice accounting problem (although that's kind of difficult without a calculator). I can't even bother thinking about how behind I am on my paper because then I'll have a panic attack.

***Note: I know that recently my posts have been deeper than usual. That's because I've been having a lot of deep thoughts recently, mostly due to the fact that this year is drawing to a close. I haven't even posted half of all that I'm thinking about. However, only some of it I feel is appropriate to post here, which is why I sometimes wish that blogger allowed me to post privately. The stuff that I do post is because I think that by reading it, people will gain an insight to my life that they might not otherwise get. I know that some of you read this only because you're bored and you're reading my profile, and that you won't be online much during the summer, but I ask that you please check it right after the school year ends, because I'm going to post a long entry about what I thought about the 2002-2003 school year. I think (hope) you will find it interesting.

K, I REALLY WILL STUDY NOW!
moon // 8:43 PM

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Wednesday, June 04, 2003:

I took one of those "purity test" type online quizzes today. Here are my results:

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory! Here is how you matched up against all
the levels:
Level | Score
Purgatory | Very High
Level 1 - Limbo | High
Level 2 | Very Low
Level 3 | Moderate (this is the gluttony level--which explains why it's higher than the other ones)
Level 4 | Very Low
Level 5 | Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Very Low
Level 7 | Low
Level 8- the Malebolge | Low
Level 9 - Cocytus | Very Low Level

Question: Why am I so damn pure? (well, actually, undamn, because apparently I'm not damned)

Last year I took the Spark.com purity test and I got a 91%. That was by far the highest score on my floor. Even now, way more than a year later, even after changing so much and doing a lot more "unpure" things, I'm sure my score would still be in the 80th percentile. And now I take the hell test and the result is that I'm not going to hell (well, duh, I'd figured after years of going to church and being a good Catholic girl I was going to be rewarded). I answered every question honestly, at least I think I did. Moral of the story: I am a good person. But so what? Yeah, so I'll probably go to heaven (or purgatory if this quiz was any indication), and most days I believe that there is a heaven, but sometimes I wonder if I'm trying too hard.
Without getting into a fullout theology post (I don't think this is the place for that), I'll cut to the point: I'm sick of being punished here on earth for being a good person. I'm sick of having everybody else walk all over me and me just smiling and trying to forgive them because I hope they have the right intentions in mind. I'm sick of people teasing me for being naive and innocent. I'm sick of feeling left out of discussions because I've never done (and don't care to do) the things they're talking about. I'm sick of discovering that people I thought had the same morals as me lost them at some point or another, or worse, that they're just hypocrites. I'm sick of feeling preechy when I tell people they shouldn't do things. I'm sick of worrying that people will stop being my friend or that guys won't be interested in me because I do have such high moral standards. And sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to get so sick of all this that I'm going to say screw it and become a person that I don't want to be. In which case, I'll only regret it.

I have more to say about this, but I really should go work out and attempt to study at the same time. It's been a long day, and I've gotten a lot done, but all of it seems to be unconstructive and annoying considering I have finals in a few days. Right now, I'll try to be proud of my halo...after all, it's a prettier and sparklier accessory than horns.
moon // 4:55 PM

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Sunday, June 01, 2003:

It's past midnight. Which means it's June. Scary. June means so many things to me; it is in fact more of an "end" month than December. All the things that June means to me:

This June means:
End-of-the-year ceremonies and dinners
Saying good-bye to my senior friends, who will go off to grad school or the "real world"
Finals and a paper (argh! only a week left to study!)
Moving out of A5-405A and the dorms forever.
Readjusting to living at home, and hopefully starting a job.
The fifth Harry Potter book comes out THIS month! (sorry, just had to add that, and it feels so good to say)

One year ago, in June:
I moved out of E319
I embarked, almost accidentally, on the journey to become the me that I am now

2 years ago, in June:
I graduated from high school

Hopefully, after my last final is done, I will be able to write my closing thoughts about my second year of college. The fact that it is now June just made it suddenly hit me: this is it. I've almost completed another year, another stage in my life.

And, in a way, the next stage of my life began today. I finally secured an apartment for next year. The feeling of relief I was expecting from that didn't come though, mostly because there is an issue that might screw up our plans, but it's too complicated to explain here. Bottom line is that, no matter what, I have my name and money down on a contract that assures me a specific unit at a place a couple blocks from campus. I have some reservations about it, because it isn't the totally perfect living situation that I had imagined my first apartment would be, but it's still definitely passable. I have to remind myself that I was soooo unbelievable crushed last year when I found out I wasn't going to be able to live in DeNeve again. I seriously cried myself to sleep that night. But living in Sunset has been wonderful, and I'm glad that I ended up here for my second year instead of DeNeve. It gave me some variety, although I'm still angry about Covel closing…grr…I will be angry about that for the rest of my life. And best-case scenario is that we will stay in our apartment for two years, but if we hate it, we can always move out next summer. It's not a marriage. It's just a lease.

Also, I just have to say again that I'm so glad I have my sisters. Usually when I refer to my sisters (as far as hanging out or going to dinner outside of official TBS events), I'm referring to Alpha Eta (my pledge class) or a couple of the second year girls who joined last year. I don't hang out with the older people as much simply because they don't live in the dorms. However, today I hung out with my big sister (we each have a big sister assigned to us) for a few hours at her apartment, and she cooked me dinner, and we just talked. It was nice to have somebody I could be so open with about my feelings about the chapter and the year in general, and I felt like I gained some perspective. I like having mentors, older people who have been where I've been and can give me advice on how to get there. And I hope to be mentors for the younger girls, the current freshman and next year's freshman, and even the ones who will be here in two years.

Why have I been writing such long posts recently? Oh, and if you read this, please IM me…I want to know how many people are reading my random thoughts!

moon // 12:30 AM

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