Moon Dog's Musings

Sunday, January 26, 2003:

It's been a week and a half since my big decision...and I think I'm ok with it. It's been emotional. I've been fighting feelings of failure and aprehension. I have yet to introduce myself to anyone as a linguistics major (it's still, "i'm technically a math major, but i'm strongly considering switching to linguistics.") Life feels strangely...empty? not sure if that's the right word...without a math class. I find myself still trying to budget time to finish non-existent math homework. I have dreams about how my math professor is making fun of the girl who dropped the class. I still fear that i'm going to wake up one morning and realize that i hate linguistics, too. But these thoughts aren't occupying my mind all day like they were a week ago.
Last night, I took the second step in becoming a full member of Tau Beta Sigma, the band sorority. I'm not allowed to tell you anything about the ceremony, because apparently it's supposed to be a secret. (Sororities are kinda cultish.) Then we had a party where we all dressed up in goofy costumes. (It was an "official" party and since we're a dry sorority that means no drinks, but it was fun anyway.) Some people were dressed in togas, so when we walked back to the dorms, the people in the "real" frats and sororities were shouting, "Hey! Where's the toga party?" LOL!!! Little did they know that we were just a bunch of band geeks.

moon // 10:40 PM

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Friday, January 17, 2003:

Well, nothing's official yet, but I spent today running around like crazy trying to get all of these kinks ironed out of my new master plan. Since this all happened suddenly, and since it was the end of second week, it was important that I made a move soon. I think I'm going to drop my math class. I can't stand another day of it, much less a whole quarter of it. I enrolled in another class (a life sci GE) to make up for it and I hope that I can talk to the professor soon to make sure that I'll be able to catch up on the two weeks I've missed. I have confidence in myself. If I can ace two difficult math classes in the same quarter, I can certainly handle playing catch up on a supposedly easy GE class. And even if it turns out to be a hard (or boring) class, at least I'll be done with my GEs. And I won't be spending my life doing math proofs.
moon // 6:50 PM

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Thursday, January 16, 2003:

I can't believe I'm writing this.
Something strange happened today; my mind suddenly figured out a solution to the million unsolvable problems I've been having recently. And I made a decision. I'm sure some people won't agree with it (but I hope my family will at least...), but I agree with it. Even though I'm not 100 percent sure yet if all the details work out, I can't help but feel somewhere deep inside that this is the right thing for me to do.
First, a little background:
Last winter quarter, I experienced a small bout of depression. It was something that I didn't expect to happen, but all of the sudden I couldn’t get up in the morning without just wanting to run back in to bed. Every minute of the day, I was overwhelmed with the desire to cry. I was scared to leave my room, yet at the same time I hated just sitting at my desk, staring at the computer screen. Nothing I did could distract me from my sadness. It only lasted a month, but that month seems like forever in my memory.
Spring quarter was fine. I even took a class just for fun—French, because I had always wanted to learn it.
Then came fall quarter of this year. Overall, it was a good quarter, I guess. Band was fun, socialization was fun, my phonetics class was a blast…but my two math classes were horrendous. Bad professors and boring material just made me want to throw up every single time I looked at anything involving numbers. So a few months ago, I decided that there was no way I could stand being a pure math major. When I became aware that there was such a thing as a math/management specialization, I decided that I might want to switch to that. So I enrolled in Management 1A for winter quarter.
And here I am, in that winter quarter. Taking management, honors real analysis (a math class involving a hundred billion proofs), and syntax (last week, I officially declared my linguistics minor). I came into this quarter fearing that I was either going to have a repeat of last winter quarter or of fall quarter this year—or worse, both. I think in trying to avoid them, I made them come true.
I woke up this morning wanting to cry. Wanting to throw all of my books out the window. Wanting to never touch another math proof, wanting to just crawl into a hole and die. I wasn’t even looking forward to the trip to Vegas I’m taking tomorrow. I was scared to death that this was another bout of depression…but even more terrified when I realized that my worries might be perfectly rational.
I DON’T WANT TO BE STUCK IN MATH CLASSES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! I don’t care about math anymore. I still like math more than your average person, but not enough to spend countless hours of the day on it. And I have no idea what kind of career I could obtain and enjoy with a degree in math anything. Even the math management specialization doesn’t look very appealing to me anymore because I looked at some of the upper division course descriptions and they just did not sound fun. Plus, I couldn’t get a good job with a math management degree unless I took more courses to become an accountant or went to graduate school and took more unenjoyable classes.
I realize that college isn’t all about enjoying every single class you take. But I want to be happy. And I won’t be happy if I spend the next two and a half (plus?) years of my life studying math.
So today, during my math discussion, while my TA was trying to explain something that we wouldn’t even get to until two weeks later in the course (and he kept making mistakes), I really had to bite my lip to keep from crying. And a thought snuck into my head and it wouldn’t go away.
I should have been a linguistics major.
And suddenly, the world seemed brighter.
There are still many question marks in my idea. If I switched majors now, would I still be able to graduate in four years with a non-killer schedule? Will I have to go to summer school? How does this effect my GE requirements? Should I minor in math since I’ve already gotten so far? Will I have to go to graduate school? What kind of job will I be able to get with a degree in the humanities? (Do you want fries with that?) Will I get sick of languages because I spend all my time studying them? All I know is that when I think about my future as a ling major, I don’t feel all depressed and trapped. I think that I might be able to regain some of the enjoyment for learning that at some point I’ve lost. I’ve never complained about a linguistics class, except that I didn’t have enough time to study for it because I was too busy worrying about my math classes.
I should have realized this ages ago. The biggest hole in this plan is that I might have decided on it too late. But I’ve decided that I’m going to call up the linguistics department and make a counseling appointment, and I’ll go to my math counselor, too, to see what she has to say.
This quarter will still suck, because now I’m in classes that might not even have to do with my major. Thank God for all the AP credit that’s kept me afloat. But now I see a possible light at the end of the tunnel, one I did not see several hours ago.
I’m going to go cry now. But it’ll be a crying to say good-bye to an era of my life. I was a different person when I applied to be a math major. A year and a half college has changed me beyond what I imagined I could.
Maybe this is just a temporary moment of insanity. Maybe I’ll still be a math major when all is said and done. But most likely not. I just want to be happy.
So what do you think? I want feedback. Do you think this is a good idea? Why or why not? IM me or e-mail me or call me...
And thanks for caring.

moon // 3:48 PM

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Monday, January 06, 2003:

Welcome, Winter Quarter 2003! I went to two of my classes today: syntax and mathematical analysis. Management starts tomorrow. Guess how much my tinee-tiny math book cost. 130 bucks! Is that rediculous or what?
Break's over...still haven't learned how to drive the freeway...maybe this weekend when i have to go home for a dentist appointment. What I did do over break: almost burned down my house trying to cook and hit a car in a parking lot (luckily no damage to the cars, but i did melt a plastic lid). They should just not let me be independent. I also wrote about fifty pages of my most recent novel...it is now a whopping 240 pages, my longest yet. I hope it's good; I have a hard time passing judgements on my own work.
ONLY TWENTY MORE POUNDS TO GO; I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD BE THIS SKINNY!!! Weight Watchers is my best friend. I didn't even have to make a New Year's resolution.
moon // 10:11 PM

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